A Mom and Her Stair Steps

So, over the last couple of months I have started and restarted this blog a few times. Not quite sure what direction I wanted to go. But today, I needed to vent about raising teenage children. As you know I have three, stairs steps no less…14, 15, and 16.  OOOhhhh what a joy? Most days lately, not really! So, let’s take them 1 by 1. There is my oldest, Eboni. She was born looking just like a little China Doll. She was literally that baby that everyone stopped to coo over because she was just beautiful. She was even tempered, didn't cry a lot, you could babysit her without much fuss, etc.

Derek and I have been very intentional in our parenting and are definitely in sync on what we did and didn't want to do. For those who know me, you know I am the off the cuff, let the steam fly person where Derek has been the more level headed one in our parenting adventures. I don’t think we treated Ebs like a princess, but maybe along the way it happened because Lord knows she is the DIVA in the family. She is the typical oldest child. Ebs has always had a strong sense of herself. She has been interested in the medical field since she was about 5. She has always known that she wanted to be a doctor and only the type of doctor has changed. 

She works, she spends her money wisely, she is not impulsive. She is analytical like me but better in how she really studies and calculates her moves. Unlike me, she does not do well with change. I don't think most Diva's do. And like a Diva, she has the tendency to act like the world revolves around her and her only.  I was reading something by T.D. Jakes and he said that the problem we often have in living our lives in abundance is that we never quite grasp the reality that God has already given us the land to possess. Thus, we fail to take possession. Even though Ebs may not fully understand this yet, I think Eb has already begun to activate that principle in her life. Deep down inside its like she knows what God has already prepared for her and she is going to get it!

Then there’s my middle child, Dakarai. Yes he is also like the middle child. A friend recommended that I read the Birth Order. Wow, it was on point and insightful. Even as an infant my dad knew his strong spirit. My family affectionately named me “rainmaker” as a child because all I would do was cry until my mother came home. That was Dakarai and definitely Jazmyn.  My dad was the only person who could watch Dakarai and he would not have a fit. My dad would say, “Mare…you’re gonna have to tame him, but never break his spirit.” 

As a child he was feisty and strong-willed but there was always something sweet and gentle about him. He could always make you laugh. He had high energy…still does. But there was the quietness to him that I think others his age took for a weakness. He had a slight speech problem which looking back, I think, made him a little unsure of himself. He went through a brief period of being bullied. As a result, that “no one will ever get the best of me again” attitude arose. In some ways he was able to turn it into good on the football field. But, that on guard is still there. He always wants to be on the edge, always a little bit ahead of everyone else.

He is a natural leader. Actually I think I have been blessed with 3 leaders but the flipside is that to be a leader you also have to know how to serve. A lesson each still has to learn. However, amongst the three Dakarai is the one who would help out a stranger without blinking. I think the young man keeps finding money on the street because each time he does, he shares it with a friend.  He doesn't even realize how people flock to him and the influence he has. Take that back…he does realize it but I don’t think he understands the positive impact he can have. He’s fifteen so he’s beginning to live into and test his manness (if that is not a word - it is now in the MAP dictionary). But, as the mother it’s driving me crazy. Plus, it can be scary raising a young black male. I think that so many women have squelched that manness in their sons because they didn't know how to handle it. 

The truth of the matter is they are meant to be warriors. They are meant to grow up and be the head of their households. So how do we balance letting them grow into who God has called them to be and keeping them in check. If someone backs him in a corner, the warrior is supposed to rise but….it’s about teaching them to use discernment and make wise decisions in handling the situation.  A warrior doesn't always have to fight, a warrior can stand his ground, make peace and diffuse conflict. I have seen Dakarai get in the midst of conflict, stir it up and I have also seen him mediate situations. 

He is very opinionated and will stand his ground even to his fault. This is a humbling lesson he still has to learn. But, he can be a loyal friend. I have also seen him apologize to his friends when he has been in the wrong. I have heard him speak encouragement to a friend. He is a thinker, an abstract thinker. Even though he won't always show it, he does have compassion. It troubles him when his friends are living troubled lives at home. 

Then there is Jazzy. In many ways, yes she is the typical baby of the family. Derek says she is a lot like me which can be a hard pill to swallow. Why didn't she get my love for school? As I used to complain to my mother about my brother -  the other two tell me that I am not hard enough on her, she gets away with everything. I have to admit this is not totally untrue. Jazzy has a hard exterior like Dakarai. We used to joke when she was little about just how mean and stubborn she was. Really not a joking matter anymore….let’s be clear about that. 

I have really come to believe that some of the anger that just sits inside of Jazmyn stems from my pregnancy. First let me say that Derek and I are great friends and I am so thankful that we are partners in this parenting. When I was pregnant with Jaz I was a very angry person inside and I detested the ground her father walked on. I think there has been some transference there so I continually pray for that to be lifted off her. That's was never her cross to bear. But, there was something about her. When I would get restless, as a baby I could just hold her and my spirit would quiet down. Imagine that! 

The girl can be so defiant and can just outright refuse to acknowledge your presence or the authority you have (not me or her dad although she can be testy).  I have even told some of her younger teachers to set the stage from the start, let Jaz know that you are not going to take her crap. If she spots a weakness, it’s all over.  She can be a mean girl and has been the victim of mean girlness. Yet she has a heart for babies, the elderly and those with mental challenges.But I can see something changing in her. I am claiming it into existence. 

Like Dakarai, people flock to her too. She can also have a good amount of influence. But then there is that part of her that seems lost. If you every talk to the youngest in families they often talk about this feeling of being lost, not quite sure where they fit in in the world, etc. I often feel like that’s my Jaz. I think her exterior is a cover for how she is feeling inside and to mix all that up with being a teenage girl and having an older sister who always seems to have it together. 

Derek also reminded me that some of my frustration comes with our parenting style. Yes, we both believe that our children have voices and have a right to be heard. We have instilled in our children that their voice, their thoughts, their feelings…they do matter. You can be upset with me because that’s your emotions but it is how you act upon that. You can state your opinion and/or facts, yes we will take them into consideration and you can disagree with us but we have the final say. Also, as parents we understand that we are not always right or may not always make the best decision. When they are owed an apology, we give them one. Why, because it teaches them the basic level of respect, respecting one another just as human beings.

But, what do you do during those times when you feel like its not enough and they are never gonna get it! Yes, I have higher academic expectations than they may choose to achieve, yes they don’t like me sometimes, yes I don’t like them sometimes, yes they get tired of hearing my mouth, yes I get tired of having to always open my mouth, yes they think they can do what they want, yes I remind them that there are consequences to their actions, yes they make me cry, yes they make me laugh, yes I am proud to be their mom.

I initially started writing this because I am a frustrated parent trying to get two of her children to understand the importance of doing better in school and just raising three teenagers is a challenge in and of itself. Am I still frustrated and tired…yes, yes and yes. But, I wouldn't trade a late-night football game where Dakarai gives me a nod from the field, dropping Ebs off at 6:30 in the morning so she can have the chance to shadow a doctor, or those times when I am too tired to move off the couch but I hear Jaz come down – turn off all the lights, check the windows and turn on the alarm before going to bed. My kids rarely break curfew, they don’t cut school, for the most part they hang out with other decent kids and I generally know where they are. Beyond the normal teenage crap that drives parents crazy…they are just growing up and finding their own way. Then I think, is that how God feels about us? They are His gift to me. 

My own blog has given me the fortitude to plunge ahead. When referencing our walk with God we often say that we are works in progress…well, so are they!